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Callous Year

by Steev baker

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1.
1 Let me take you back to the days before The chicken pox vaccine— Those scars along my shoulders From when I was just 15— No matter how strong the medicine Or how smart the therapy Sometimes they itch, Sometimes uncontrollably. And then the weather changed And washed it all away Like the opposite of some amazing grace The snow threatened to bury us again We had lost ourselves in hibernation Like animals in winter We were waiting for thaw To wake us up and move us on But somehow we slept through it all… 2 It didn’t seem like too long ago We had promises to keep But the road that takes us there Is so narrow and steep You changed you name And grew out your hair for me And all the while I was growing Something else entirely. But then the weather changed And washed it all away Like the opposite of some amazing grace The snow threatened to bury us again We had lost ourselves in hibernation Like animals in winter We were waiting for thaw To wake us up and move us on But somehow we slept through it all…
2.
Lakes 04:03
1 I was watching the rain fall into the lake water into water and the patterns it makes like the ripples we caused with our mistakes: Bottles of whiskey and bottles of wine: headaches and heartaches and gathering clouds. And the simple comfort I found in your arms. It’s late, late but I knew what you wanted were lakes, lakes, and bodies of water. Please wait (wait) I’m holding my promises close-- 2 Down to Chicago you traveled so fine with a passport photo and those old poems of mine but the things on the shore that you’ve left behind… The things that you carried were bending your neck like an anchor or an albatross like the little wars in the folds of your dress. It’s late, late but I knew what you wanted were lakes, lakes, and bodies of water. Please wait (wait) I’m holding my promises close like the sky below the trees on the surface, hovering out where we cannot reach.
3.
I will never go to London if you will not leave this place. The four walls of this house are angels’ wings guiding me to your embrace. I will not go to Moscow Paris, Rome, or Berlin I will never see New York City or old Los Angeles. Until we are standing hand in hand I will never see the moon reflecting off the skyline of Chicago or cold Lake Michigan. No I will not walk a mile if you will not walk with me I will never wade in the ocean or hike among the trees Your skin is like the shoreline your eyes are like the sea there is nothing on earth made by God or man as beautiful as thee. Stones and cities crumble into dust broken by the hand of time but my heart is free and whole again whenever you are by my side.
4.
1 There were rumors that something was wrong Blood on the walls. And the matches in the summer heat It didn’t take much. A fire out of control Hungry and desperate as a starving man Takes everything it touches. I loved you more than Frank Lloyd Wright Loved anything at all The things that we built are fragile And waiting to fall 2 And the people with their helpful advice Arrived on the scene Like a bucket brigade Ready for action. It was unclear just where to start To pick up the pieces. When the water and the flames collide Both are extinguished. I loved you more than Frank Lloyd Wright Loved anything at all The things that we built are fragile And waiting to fall So hold me close And watch Taliesin burn to the ground. I swear I will never let this happen to us.
5.
Harmless wings Mother with the broken eggs Garden singer You built a nest for everything Sharpened beak I heard you in the early spring Eyes so deep You could have shown me anything They shoot mourning doves For less than this my love And now they’ve trained their sights on us. It’s open season In this place we call(ed) our home Every glance a bullet, Every kiss draws blood And though you know it isn’t safe Every night we lay awake Hoping that the day Will bring a resolution. They shoot mourning doves For less than this my love And now they’ve trained their sights on us. There’s not much meat But for convenience sake they come Here to train their sights on us…
6.
1 The sky was like a bruise when you left. My happiness scattered down Like those letters that I found With no signature Written in a hand I did not know Please come home, My arms long to hold you. I’m strong enough for both. I promise you this: I will not let go 2 The snow was piled across the street. My dinner untouched again. The opposite of praying hands: The space between Where we cannot be. Please come home, My arms long to hold you. I’m strong enough for both. I promise you this: I will not let go ---O the blood was for our sins, The alcohol covered the rest. I stood there in the door Straining my eyes to see your silhouette While the snow came down Like the end of the world On the headless stalks of last summers’ flowerbeds. I’ll tear down these walls And build something better: A cage that will keep us Safe with each other--- Please come home, My arms long to hold you. I’m strong enough for both. I promise you this: I will not let go
7.
Nerve 03:22
1 Well my dear, we are so limited in what we can wear. Folks like us are doomed to spend hours before a mirror. You and I have a fatal case of “not-quite-innocent” and you and I must lie to keep ourselves in loneliness Twenty years down the road we’ll be better off, we’ll have the nerve to tell our kids to never give up. 2 My God, my dear, please please put out that cigarette! You know we’ve started our stories, but the ending’s not quite clear yet. I know you used to lie to yourself but you’re no longer the type. You and I are from the same womb, we’ve got the same wounds, we’re on the same side. Twenty years down the road we’ll be better off, we’ll have the nerve to tell our kids to never give up. 3 Some day my dear, we’ll finally find some time to reminisce. And laugh about the dramas and all the stupid, careless things we said, where I can finally talk about those failed suicide attempts and how you finally lost your nerve and gave in to happiness. . . Twenty years down the road we stumbled home, our head in our hands and we wished we were alone. We’ll have the nerve to tell our kids that everything is under control...
8.
Callous Year 04:26
1 In the place we left our ghosts There was a crying from the floorboards And your eyes were big as globes With the continents erased Nothing but the oceans Slick and blue and innocent Deeper than the drifting poems I wrote to rescue us And I tried to bandage up your scars With red wine and silent guitars But it turns out we said All That we Would say In the year that my calluses went away 2 In the rooms where our skeletons were kept Something pressed against the window And skin across my fingertips was stretched As smooth as alcohol Resting in a glass Resting on our dark blue tablecloth Laying on the borders of your heart Inside your aching chest And nothing that was promised came to pass You paint the walls and I’ll cut the grass Taking comfort where we can In the Depths Of the mundane In the year that my calluses went away ---Remember when St. Paul Wiped those scales from his face? Oh the freedom that he must Felt that day--- Well I wrote that novel About Losing My faith The year that my calluses went away
9.
Bottlecaps 03:16
1 Well I wish that I could take back everything I said when I was begging in the dark from my side of the bed when I thought I’d live without you but I needed you instead And you were on my mind You’re always on my mind Yes you were on my mind You’re always on my mind 2 Desperate in the mirror like it could barely stand I was praying my goodbyes to my kids and my friends with the pills in the bottles, their caps in my hands But you were on my mind You’re always on my mind Yes you were on my mind You’re always on my mind ---I’m tired of hating and blaming myself and hiding from shadows that i can’t outrun i’m tired of prescriptions making me numb well I loved you once, and I always will yes I loved you once, and I always will I loved you one time, and I always will--- 3 Silent at the steering wheel hospital ride counting the seconds til you said goodbye I was watching us age from the passenger side
10.
1. Your body so brave For years I’ve been its slave Proudly wrapped in the chains of your caress. But my heart needs a place Wounded, but safe, A wolf with no return address. And I find now that I can’t be trusted To lose myself in your eyes It seems natural to love you But I have to admit that Somedays it’s so hard to try 2 Your bed was my home But for years I’ve been alone Waiting for repairs to be made And the sheets were stripped bare With your imprint there, An ocean with nothing to say. And I thought I could never be tempted Away from my place at your side Well it was natural to lose you But I have to admit that Sometimes it’s too hard to try ---Well we both used to know Where this road’s gonna go And it’s so hard to see The prints from our feet Yes we both used to know Where this road’s gonna go And in this darkness we can’t see A way through this mess where we both come out perfect and clean--- 3 Your skin was so true For years I worshipped you Going blind by the light in your hands Now the wick is burned black Hollowed the wax, A sparrow with nowhere to land

credits

released January 16, 2019

Engineered and mixed by Rob Eckert
Produced by BJ Best, Rob Eckert, and Steev Baker
Mastering by Ben Baker

All songs written by Steev Baker

Performed by:
Steev Baker: Vocals, acoustic guitar, electric guitar, banjo
Rob Eckert: Bass
Andy Truax: Drums
BJ Best: Accordion on 2
Emily Selk-Loper: Cello on 5, 8
Jesse Gyldenvand: Electric guitar on 5
Charles Nevsimal: Organ/keys on 1

Recorded in garages and basements in West Bend and Greenwood, WI from 2016-2019.

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Steev baker Madison, Wisconsin

Steev baker is a lo-fi singer-songwriter from rural Wisconsin. He has spent time in the music scenes of Oshkosh, West Bend, Milwaukee, and Madison over the past 20 years playing songs about faith, doubt, anxiety, love, and the places we call home.

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